I know this is the right thing because I feel deeply in my heart it is. As hard as it is. Probably one of the hardest things I have done. I know its right.

I never realized how strong this has made me.

Because I feel I want to stay because this is the life I know but I know I have to get out now before its too late.

Now im just afraid I will never find someone who is good and will treat me right…

I have a lot im expecting now and doubt anyone will meet it.

Im afraid I will fall for someone who will hurt me again.

I finally decided enough is enough and the moral of the story is fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I still love you but I love myself enough to say I deserve better.

Surprisingly I am handling this better than I ever thought I would and its because I have amazingly supportive family and friends.

Its even overwhelming because I feel a flood of so many emotions right now like I am kind of happy and relieved but mostly numb even though that doesnt really make sense.

I really dont like change….and what makes me sad is knowing this chapter of my life is over. But yet its a happy new beginning because I am still young and still have my life to live.

The hard thing is not knowing what is next, but thats also the best part.

I trust in Gods plan for my life and I know I will be just fine.

I know I am not alone but how come it feels that way?

I am struggling with things and no one can save me or help me. These are just things only I can deal with because it’s my life, my problems.

I feel so torn because my head says one thing and my heart says another. Why can’t they just agree?

I don’t know what God wants me to do, I keep asking and asking and everyday I just become more confused.

I have to believe that no matter what there will be good to come out of it and no matter what I will be ok.
That’s just about the only thing that keeps me from going insane.

I’m beginning to think it might not be possible.
Because humans are always changing. We never stay the same. And sometimes we grow apart and not together.
But how do people stay together even as they grow and change?

I thought I had it all figured out, you just have to love and listen and communicate right?

The worst part about separating from someone you love is that it feels like the end of the world. I hate that part.

Because it’s not and in the end I KNOW I will always be okay and things will always work out for the better.

I don’t know where this is going and I guess we will just see, all we know is it’s not working and we just want to be happy….
But is life just all about being happy?

It’s ok to be wrong as long as you realize it and try your best to be better. Can’t you try together? Isn’t that what love is. Love is not being perfect and happy all of the time. Human love is messy and it takes work. It’s not like God’s love where it is unconditional and perfect. That doesn’t come easy for us. But it’s possible to love eachother even when we are ugly and broken. I know this only because God shows me how to love.

The scary thing is when there is a fork in the road it’s hard to know which road to take because you never know what’s the better choice. You can sit and analyze it and try to see where it might lead but that’s the best you can do, is just guess.

You can pray and ask God to show you what His will is for your life. I say send me your direction because I know wherever that is, that is where I want to be.

We should celebrate! Or should we?

I am a conspiracy theorist and proud of it. I don’t believe our government is working for us I believe they are working against us and have been for a long time.

I think 911 was an inside job to some degree. I think that terrorists and jihad extremists do want to kill us but I believe our government allows them to do what they do to get what they want out of it, control. There is evidence of all kinds but I just want to rant for the moment.

Bush was in on the job and did nothing for our country but put us where we were planned to be put. Obama was picked to be the hero because of his charming character, people love him. Hence his election.

Now since he’s been president americans have had issues with him, even the very ones who elected him. From healthcare to bailouts to his birth certificate, etc.

Since elections are just around the corner, he needed something to save his butt but still be able to get away with all he has accomplished.

He is just a puppet. But he was picked to be ‘the hero’ just as bush was picked to be the ‘bad guy’.

All of a sudden his birth certificate comes out and then two days later Osama is dead? Really? It’s not a coincidence.

What exactly is the big fuss. Now everything is going to be okay because Obama saved us from Bin Laden?

How do we even know for sure he’s dead. We are suppose to just believe the media and Obama’s lying lips? They have his DNA? Where did they get it they supposedly couldn’t even catch the guy.

That’s not even the point. The point is, we are not safe even if he is dead because our own government is behind all of this anyway. These are all the scenes in a grand play and we are getting dangerously near to the closing act.

I am happy with my job, with my marriage and with my family.

I have gotten used to the routine of living on my own and going to work. Being a grown up.

I turned 21 on Sunday. Yay me.

It was a pretty good birthday. Birthdays just aren’t as fun anymore.

Sometimes I really miss having friends.

No, I miss having a best friend.

I have people I could call “friends” but none of them fit what I consider a real friend.

I have only had one real friend but she changed and things ended a while ago.

I just miss having someone to hang out with, someone I can talk to and would be there for me.

I know I am not perfect and have not always been a perfect friend, but I know who I am and I know I am a good friend and a caring person.

I have changed after highschool, I know this. I have become who I am and I decided what I believe.

Since that moment, I have made enemies and lost friends.

But I do not regret this because I am finally me. The person I hid because I wanted to be liked by everyone.

It would just be nice to have fun with friends again and be accepted for all of me.

I don’t hate anyone from my past. I think they are all fun people. But none of them are real friends and I suppose I would rather be alone than with people who would never be there for me anyway. It’s just hard.

I’m not sorry I have passion for controversial things. I’m not sorry for who I am. And why should I be? I have grown up a lot the past couple of years. I am happily married and already successful in my career and  almost ready to start a family of my own.

I don’t know if I should hold out hope or give it up all together.

I feel like I make an effort with the few “friends” I have but our friendship just isn’t the same as in highschool and maybe we have nothing in common anymore?

Why is it so hard to be yourself and find a genuine friend in this world anymore!

Well I got promoted to manager of my shop which is awesome! I am on a trial period until April to decide if its for me or not. The paperwork part is pretty easy the thing that is hard is dealing with people (customers and coworkers) and meeting monthly goals. Our salon is one of the slower locations so it’s not an easy thing to do.

The pressure and stress is not really worth what they pay you. But I do love where I work and what I do. I will stick with it because it is good experience but I’m just not sure it is for me. Only time will tell. I’m just worried about getting canned for not meeting goals or something. I’ve already seen some shady stuff and I just pray God keeps my back. Which I know he will and when he wants to move me he will move me.

Well hubby and I made it to two years! We celebrated our anniversary last sunday for three days in San Diego! He surprised me, had everything packed and planned. I’m glad things are looking up for us but always in the back of my head I wonder what he will be doing next to hurt our marriage. I don’t think you ever fully recover from being cheated on. Things may get better but once you go through that you can never go back to not being paranoid.

I hope God keeps working in our marriage because I would like to start a family soon. I have always known I wanted kids eventually but now that I am married and have been for a couple years I am getting baby fever and a lot of people I know have kids now or are pregnant and its kind of depressing for me! I know that Gods timing is perfect and I have to be patient but it’s so hard!

And I know we are still young but time is just going so fast and I want to enjoy what other people are enjoying. I feel like I am missing out on something wonderful. I feel that daniel and are in a good place, successful in our jobs, stable, have our own place, two nice cars fit for a family. We both want a baby soon. So if you are reading this and you give a hoot, pray for us please!

Then there is a part of me that sees how terrible this world is getting and I know that time is short so maybe it would be a selfish thing to bring a child into the world. Maybe it’s not meant to be for us. But then I don’t know why God would give me such a love for children and a yearn to be a mom if it was not meant to be.
I am just confused. I trust that God has a plan for all of us. This is just something I think of everyday.

Anyway, I’m done ranting. I will start updating more often.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” {James 1:19}

Being told I am so quiet is my life story. I have heard it so much I start to believe that something must be wrong with me.

Much to my surprise, there is nothing wrong with being quiet. It’s amazing how insecure people will try to make you insecure about your own self.

It’s interesting that girls are the only ones who tell me this. I also found out that this particular girl I don’t care for is saying I have no personality.

Ok. Now I am just really annoyed. Firstly, you people know nothing about me. You work with me a few hours during the week. I would hardly say you are in a place to assume anything about me.

I just met this girl and honestly, nobody likes her because she is so bossy and thinks she is some hot shot. I will be nice to you but from the get go I knew she was fake. Nice to your face but talks behind your back.

Such a typical girl. This is why I choose not to have close girl friends anymore.

I have no problem with talkative people and I get along with just about everyone. In fact I prefer to be around talkative people sometimes. But loud people are a different story.

Just because I don’t talk 24/7 doesn’t mean I am shy or have no personality. Sometimes I have nothing to say and sometimes I am thinking and sometimes I don’t really care for ya and don’t feel the need to engage in meaningless conversation with you which is the case with this girl.

I just can’t wait for her to leave and go to another shop.

Anyway, I just don’t see what the big deal is. I talk when I have stuff to say. But most of the time I observe, think and listen. It’s just something I automatically do. I don’t enjoy small talk, I like deep conversation. I am independent. I like talking sometimes but just because it is not the same amount as everyone else, quite people are deemed as weird.

I am so tired of people trying to define me. There are a lot of quite more introverted people. What would the world be like if everyone was loud and extroverted? There is nothing wrong with it, but there is nothing wrong with my kind either.

I think most loud people are the ones who are insecure and feel the need to have attention and impress people. Quite people are more confident and humble and I think we learn more by being listeners.

I prefer to be the way I am because I don’t feel the need to mindlessly spew words. I like to make what I say mean something most of the time.

I used to get really offended and irritated when people would say “You are so quiet.” Seriously I have heard that my whole life.

Now I am going to take it as a compliment and maybe throw a little sarcastic response out there

I can’t believe its already November.
Halloween was fun. I went out with my coworkers to the Nest! It sucked and was not worth the money but it was a fun bonding experience.

Work is changing a lot. I love all of the people I work with and now they are moving people around and I don’t like it.
I don’t do well with change.
But I’ve been picking up more hours and going to different locations so atleast I’m keeping busy.
God has really been amazing me at work. I am getting better at my cuts and building up my clientele. Its just really affirming to hear how much they love their cut and call specifically to know when I’m working. Its great!

The elections are finally over and I am relieved. I’m very happy with the winners!

But unfortunately I still don’t think its enough to save this country. It has shown that Americans are awake and aware but its a little too late.

Beck is predicting the fall of our economy in early 2011.
I believe it.
Something has to give. What is the next big thing to happen?

Time is just flying so that doesn’t give us much time to get prepared. Its time to get serious. I have a feeling a lot of stuff is going to be happening between now and 2012.

Things are gonna get crazy. Jesus is returning soon!!

Some things are better left in real life and not online. Sometimes I see things that I really wish I didn’t. More than anything I witness the drama of cyber space.

It’s nice to keep in touch with friends and family. But when does it go so far.

When people read things and twist it, start wars, spread rumors, split relationships.

I think facebook has strained my familys relationship with eachother rather than brought it together.

But is there any preventing it afterall?

There is no avoiding the wall splitting the Christian side from the agnostic side.

No matter what we say or do, we are mean. We are judgmental, we are pushy. It’s like we are suppose to appease everyone.

Never talk about Jesus, never post verses, never tell them the good things about Jesus.

We are not suppose to shove it in their face. But yet they are allowed to belittle people who believe in Jesus Christ. They are allowed to make fun of the fact we talk to God and call him our shepherd. We are just dumb sheep.

We used to have a so so relationship. We talked, but not much.

Now it is gotten to the point where if we don’t agree, just call us vulgar names.

Ok. So if my mom says something loving to you, just concerned about your lifestyle and tells you that Jesus loves you and died for you, that makes her a bitch and another cause for why homosexuals are committing suicides??

Did you really just go there?

It’s sad that people end their lives, but nobody makes them do it. And it’s not just homosexuals doing it, it’s people from every walk of life. But once again, no one makes them do it. That is a seriously broad and unfair accusation.

If you have to go so far as to make a facebook post saying not only that, but calling my mom a bitch. That’s where I draw the line.

I am used to it by now. But I’m not going to sit by and let you say that publically about the woman who raised me.

Why has it gotten to the point now that whoever says something you maybe don’t agree with, they are automatically a bitch? Where is the logic behind that?

Everyone who knows my mom knows that she is the most loving person you will ever meet. And if you are going to call her a name, I am going to take that personally.
What really gets me is that she has done so much for this family, especially that side. She brought them food and love when no one else would. Has she ever gotten a thank you or atleast acknowledgment? No. This is how you act.

And you guys say you still have moral codes and you still do the right things without Jesus. Really? Where? I don’t see it.
Everybody acts like nothing even happened and no one even apologized.

People tell me all the time how much they love my mom. I grew up with her and even through all of our fights and struggles that is the last thing I would ever describe her as.

This is what family is now. Nothing but a problem and a bad name.

Don’t pretend like you know everything about us. You know that we are Christians. That’s it.

Did you even know that one of my best friends is gay? No.

Did you know that my mom and I both accept him 100% for who he is? No.

You wouldn’t know those things because you don’t ask, you don’t talk to us. You just assume and you unintelligently get mad and call people names. And you say you are ashamed to call us family.

We have done nothing but love you guys. We aren’t ashamed of you.

What I don’t like is that gays play the victim role. Everyone has faced ridicule not just you guys. I have already done a blog on why I don’t support the gay lifestyle.

Its like if I support it I go against what is natural and I go against what I believe. And If I don’t support it I am judgmental and unaccepting of people who are different.

What makes me mad is the double standard here. Automatically because I don’t condone this lifestyle I like when gays jump off a bridge and I hate them. Without knowing me how does someone come to that conclusion? By judging me.

Its one thing to disagree with someone but it goes way too far when you start accusing someone of being the reason why gays are killing themselves.

Basically your argument comes down to this: if I don’t agree with everybody’s beliefs or lifestyles I am a bigot and a bitch. I have to accept and respect everyone but you don’t have to.

No matter what, you will never like us. You guys barely talk to us as is.

I am tired of trying to have a relationship with people who only think poorly of us, make fun of us and avoid us.

Casting our pearls before swine here.
This is it. No more attempts. You have seen our lives, you have heard our words and felt our love. But enough is enough.

It will truly take a miracle for you guys to accept Jesus. We will always be praying for you guys and love you like we always have. But our part is done.